Things started getting progressively worse yesterday.
It started off slow, and then hit me all at once. I was crying and incoherent and actively suicidal - though that part I did downplay for the sake of my boyfriend's sanity - and I was feeling. Feeling everything all at once and also not at all.
That carried into today. Once again, the day started off all right... well, less 'all right' than yesterday morning. This morning I started getting ready, putting on makeup, etc. and just found myself wandering back to bed. I sat on the bed beside where he was sleeping, covered him with an extra blanket, and tried to coax a sleepy agreement out of him. Even half-asleep, it didn't work, which is probably for the best. I managed to get myself to school by around 9:20, and got more work done than I'd expected of myself given my current state. As the afternoon rolled around I started feeling worse. At first, I felt like it was manageable. Just a little more depression than usual. No big deal.
By the time I was leaving to catch a bus, I was already a lot worse. I had to stop at a school water fountain to take a Valium - not exactly a confident moment. It took longer than usual to get home, because of the snowstorm we had,
When I did get home, or rather got off the (second) bus that stops on my block, I was already crying. I was completely numb but also hyper-sensitive. This is still the case. When I got in, my boyfriend was in a work call, so I peeled off my wet clothes and put on flannel pyjama pants and my 'sad sweater'.* He had to leave for work almost right after taking calls, so we talked for a few minutes, and he kissed me goodbye a few times, plus one of most comforting hugs known to humankind. (Probably just me, but hey.) I tried to convince him I was okay, but I know he didn't believe it. He's seen me at my worst, and knows what constitutes 'okay'.
When he left, I figured it would be a bad idea to sit around doing nothing, because all that would accomplish would be lingering and possibly worsening negativity. So I made some tea. Harmless. I thought a couple of pieces of shortbread (a comfort food... blame it on my ancestry) might be nice. They sat on the coffee table all of two minutes before my ED shouted "NO" and I had to put them away. That was a moment when things started to really get worse. I couldn't look at them. I felt disgusting just holding them. So, I resolved to simply drink my tea and work on my chords. I tried that, but my hands were so shaky that it took an abnormal amount of time to not get fret buzz or have ... finger issues, for lack of better phrase. I had an 8tracks playlist playing in the background. I don't know why, but I snapped. Every built up negative emotion I'd repressed all day came out. Accordingly, my depression spiraled. My depressive instincts quickly followed suit.
After getting a message on my Tumblr blog from a concerned follower, I decided to take their advice, and do something nice for myself - they suggested a hot bath, but with my ED and PTSD, lying naked in a tub of semi-clear water isn't exactly a good idea. I resolved to do some of the things that work.
Yesterday, I did my nails, and tried to focus on watching movies, but I couldn't shut it all out.
So I thought, amp it up a bit. I was already in my comfy clothes, and I always have my favorite blue blanket on the couch in case I need it (I'm always cold, and a lot of the time, having something soft and warm can be calming or grounding), and I had my tea and a box of tissues (I cry... a lot). I went to the bedroom, grabbed the stuffed Hello Kitty my boyfriend gave me - he also sprayed it with his cologne, which is remarkably comforting - and my kitty ears. The ears (probably seems odd, but as I've said before, I'm a submissive, so this can be comforting to me) pin to my hair and stay put. I went to the kitchen, as quickly as possible, to get a bottle of ice water. As a finishing, and distracting, touch, I decided Disney movies were in order, Horror movies are my favorite, but with my psychosis and paranoia, especially if I'm in a low mood can be a recipe for disaster. I remembered I've never seen any of the Toy Story movies. I found streaming links easily, and that's what I'll be doing upon finishing this post.
What's really prevalent in my mind right now are the very convincing and appealing thoughts, commands, demands, of attempting again.
I texted my boyfriend, who I know is at work, but I know that when I'm feeling this bad it's okay to let him know - and it also forces me to 'promise' to keep myself safe to the best of my ability.
I don't know what the 'message' or the 'take away' from this is, but it's probably close to yesterday's. I'm here. I'm alive because he stopped me more than once, and I've kept it that way because of him, and what I want with him, for us. My writing is a close second. Although I have actually asked close people to publish something I've written in the event that I die before I manage to be a published poet, that's something I want to accomplish. The big something.
So... yes. I'm feeling worse than I have in over a month, and I have 'plans' in mind, but I'm fighting them as hard as I can.
*The 'sad sweater' is a pink and blue Puma hoodie the boy bought from Costco. It's nothing special, but the first time I had to stay a while in emergency pysch at the hospital, I was wearing that sweater. For whatever reason, when I was feeling that badly, that sweater seemed like a good option. So it's oddly comforting.
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