What I Want

My new therapist, today, asked me what it'll look like, when I get into therapy and start learning coping skills and start getting better.
What I want it to look like.
My answers were, in my opinion, lacklustre. Going to college, improving the relationships I have.
What I want in my life that I don't right now, because of my illnesses.
If money weren't an issue, I want to be riding again. I need it. So, a job. If I had a job, I'd have the money to ride again - believe me, it's expensive to take lessons and buy everything necessary.
That part of the conversation reminded me of what I want, what my ultimate life goals are. What I feel I must accomplish before I die.
Become a published poet - even if only 100 copies of my collection is printed.
And, if I get so lucky, buy a horse. I do, technically, have a horse at my grandparents', but as I've said, she's pretty old for a horse and can't do most of the things I want to do. She is a huge sweetheart, though, and will always be up for a hack in the fields - being a mare though, she does have a tendency to be an asshole from time to time. I have the scars on my chin (fell on my face so as to break my fall properly and not break my neck which easily could have happened) to prove it. I used to take lessons, but stopped. I loved it though. It was the highlight of every week. Mucking out a stall actually makes me happy.
I have things to look forward to. I have things I want to do, to have. I have reasons to stay a while longer. I have a great love. I have two best friends whom I can say I actually trust. I have the opportunities to try to get better, through therapies that are completely free to me because I live in Canada. I have so many books I want to read. I have religions to explore. I have places to see. I have tattoos to get.
I will make it to ten minutes from now. I will make it to thirty minutes from now. I will make it to an hour from now. I will make it to safely getting myself to bed. I will make it to the morning, and in the morning, I'll take it as slow as I need to.
I think I just decided to live, for the time being.

The Promised 'About Me'

I'm never sure how to go about describing myself, so I'll just.. dive in.

My name is Jess, and this is my recovery blog.
I'm 21, and I'm a student - finishing up high school credits to get into journalism school.
I'm very passionate about social issues and politics. I'm a Marxist feminist, a white cis woman, and I identify as pansexual. I have a cis male partner whom I love dearly, we've been together a few years now. Our age difference is generally a topic of conversation at first - he's 20 years older than me. I'll get it out there right now that my relationship is non-traditional in that it's a BDSM relationship. I'm a submissive, and that feels like a big part of 'who I am' most of the time. (However, that isn't the focus of this blog, though I'm sure it'll pop up from time to time. I just didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.)
I love literature, and I do write - mostly poetry, but I'd like to try my hand at a novella. I love music, and am currently focusing on guitar. My first instrument was trombone, and I was in my school's orchestra. I was first chair. My first and likely strongest love is horses. I've been in the saddle since I was about two years old, and I grew up lucky enough to have family with horses. I had a pony to ride through childhood, and now, the mare that I ride is a roughly 15hh Appaloosa. My second great love is travel. I love roadtrips, hopping a plane, train, or greyhound in the spur of the moment. It works wonders for my creative process.
I spend an inordinate amount of time on Tumblr. It's embarrassing, actually.
And, as you may well know, I have a handful of mental illnesses, and I'm also a recovered drug addict (five years!). I don't hide those things about myself, but I'm not one to share, either.
That's about all I've got at the moment, but feel free to ask away (though I'm not sure if Blogger has an inbox in the way that Tumblr does..)

Sending good vibes.